Tag Archives: Uncategorized

Things ain’t looking good ladies.

20 Feb

This is the singles map from Marie Claire. All I gotta say is I think I’m boutsta leave NYC and head to Cali.

Shit.

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>Old tricks

11 Sep

>Yeah, I’m talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it’s largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as “I’m forward and am free at midnight,” sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.
Enter bar scene last night: It’s Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.
Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He’s with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.
Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You’re cute. Call me.


KP is the excited messenger.
My friend thinks you’re cute. You should call her. She’s the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I’m on phone.)
Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn’t feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.
Not this dude.
What?!? But I don’t even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.
Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:
“Thanks for number! I didn’t get to say hi. Hope u are good.”
Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.
Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.

>Shout outs

9 Sep

>Remember when you usta call in to the radio station after 10pm and give your shout outs (which until a few years ago I actually thought were shot outs)?

Well, I wanna give a shout out to my girl KG as she’s drinking her way through the finish line.
I just received the following texts and thought I should share with the group. Because let’s face it, we’re at the edge of our seats waiting for real-time updates.
KG: Ok, on blind date. We just got drink 2. I think he’s not interested. Is it rude if I get an appetizer anyway?
One hour later…
KG: Ok, actually much better. He likes R&B more than men and he’s white. We’ve ordered 2 dishes and on 3rd drink. Aka I’m almost drunk
Hold up… did she just say he likes R&B more than men?

Men, take note.
Sounds like date numero quatro may be carrying KG through the finish line and onto the DTD leaderboard.

>Train encounters

8 Sep

>I was just stuck underground for 56 minutes. On a train. Without AC.

Let me repeat, smelly peeps, 20 blocks, 56 minutes. A one-legged turtle could carry me faster — with laptop in bag.

You might think I was ready to kill a kitten, because that’s how us New Yorkers roll.

But alas, handsome man to the rescue.


Killer suit, Don Draper hair, Kindle in hand. (Omgee what Don Draper could have done for the Kindle.)

Dude would read a few lines, look up and flash me the classic I’m annoyed too, but ain’t a thang we can do, honey look.

I would look down and flash the I can think of a few things that would pass the time look.

He would raise and eyebrow that said, My place?

I’d look away, Oh my. I didn’t mean that. I was going to suggest reading over your shoulder…

He would be all, Forgive me. Let me buy you a drink.

I’d be all, I don’t accept drinks from strangers.

He’d be all. Well don’t be a stranger. My place. 8pm.

Unfortunately, the only look dude really flashed was his wedding ring.

And a look that said none too subtly, Why are you staring at me and blogging at the same time?

Next time, I’m cabbing it.

>Dear guy across the street

6 Sep

>It didn’t take you long to realize the new tenant across the way lives by herself. And often likes to be, shall we say, free.

Of clothing.

Yes, working, reading, cooking (ok, that’s a stretch…), eating dinner while watching Jon Hamm be the hottest man alive — always better sans clothes.
But seriously now. Are you stuck in that window? I mean, I see you. And you see that I see you.
You’re cute. I’ll give you that. But that is no excuse to let the creep out.
Now, if you want to come down and ask me on a date in person, I might be inclined to put some clothes on.
Wait a minute, am I seriously considering going on a date with Rando who watches me sleep at night?!!?!!!!
I think it’s time for another SixteenDates intervention. Look what you’ve done to this girl.
P.S. Kudos to anyone who can tell me the window climbing reference here…

>Second date with date #1

1 Sep

>I’m about to go on date #2 with date #1…and I don’t really want to.

Mostly because he suggested we get lunch at Sushi Lounge on St Marks. They have good lunch specials, sure, but a-that place is dirty and b-it’s on St Marks. Gross. I want to suggest another place, but I already picked all the places on our first date so that would be a bit much. I can already tell that there will be no date #3.

(But hey, this way I’m on the repeats leaderboard.)

>Where NOT to find a date…

1 Sep

>You thought the speed dating prospects were shoddy, I’m sitting here in a sea of old molely people, pimpled teens, and botoxed moms.

Such is the clientele of a dermatologist’s office. On the Upper East Side.

And yes, I’m blogging from the waiting room for three reasons:

1. Any event that requires me to wear non-period underwear and shave my legs deserves a post.
2. Any time not at the office is spent thinking about potential dates.
3. A man is about to put on some binoculars and stare my body up and down.

Don’t lie, you’re totes jeal.


Ok, got to go get undressed for my mole check. Kind of excited.


>Update

30 Aug

>A couple things:

1. I know I owe a recap of date #1. Coming soon. And, I may be on the repeats leaderboard this week as well.

2. Date #2 is a friend of a friend, and just happens to have been sent this blog’s URL by our mutual friend. So…I will not be posting very much about said date. (Why does he know about the blog, you ask? B/c we found each other on okcu, which I explained by saying that I have a dating blog. When he asked our friend about this, she said, “Oh no, Christina doesn’t have a blog!” And then I sent her the note a few days later about it, so she forwarded it along, etc. etc. Yes, it is (maybe more than just) mildly embarrassing. So if you’re reading this, M — Hey, I’ll see you tonight.

>Breakup #2

30 Aug

>Ok, looks like I’m climbing my way up the breakup leaderboard. (Breakup #1 will live in SD infamy.)

Seriously, if I knew dating meant having to break up with peeps, I would have been more cautious as I plowed my way through the finish line.
The short version: date #3 with Date #3:
*He referenced finding a home and the NYTimes Wedding section more than once.
*He refused to let go of my hand walking down the street and tried to kiss me 37 times.
*He wants to skip all the bullshit and know everything about me. Like, now.
*Why are you hesitant? Are you seeing other people? How did your last relationship end?
*Sent two emails the morning after, including one with “How was your day?”
Writing the breakup email now. Will take any advice I can get.

>I’m sorry, I really am

28 Aug

>Dear Date #3,

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m guessing it’s best to be honest in these types of situations.
I don’t like you.
I mean, you’re insanely smart. And witty. And arguably attractive. Kind of. But I’m just not feeling it and I don’t know how else to tell you.
So, please stop kissing me on the subway. And the gchatting, seriously, chill the eff out. The Hamptons? A movie in CPark? More drinks? Road trips? No thank you.
Really, I’m not playing hard to get. I really don’t want to. This is why I’ve cancelled, three times.
So, I agreed to meet you tonight since I did, in fact, make you cancel the car and travel plans for the Hamptons. But seriously, this is dunzo.
Friends??
KT

>Outing CFH

28 Aug

>Ok, KP and I had a mini-intervention with CFH last night. And by mini-intervention I mean lots of drinks.

And with lots of drinks come some pretty hilarious stories. CFH, I suggest you start posting. Like, now.
Let’s just say this blog has something to do with why CFH is NOT working her way up the leaderboard.

>Oh No

26 Aug

>More to come later.

However – Currently in a client meeting (15 of them + about 10 Colleagues) – and they’ve asked if i can show the blog at the lunch break.

just sayin’

xoxo
MB

>SD Emergency!

26 Aug

>Ok, so Date #3 (the gchatter) wants to take me to the Hamptons this weekend.

Just for the day, but still.

We’ve only gone on one date. Is it acceptable to have Date #2 as a roadtrip to the Hamptons?!
Also, making inroads on the repeats leaderboard.
Please advise. ASAP.

>Date #3 Recap: Nice.

26 Aug

>Ok so I aint no KT, understandably gloating her victory, or Kate Winz accepting an Oscar, but I’ve successfully completed THREE of the four dates and the finish line is so close I can TASTE it’s deliciousness. Or maybe it’s the oatmeal raisen cookie I just ate.

In any case, the date was nice. He was nice. Really nice. I mean, he’s Canadian.

We met at brunch. I was late, hung over, and had taken a mystery pill that I thought, at the time, was extra strength Advil.* Also when I got there, I realized I didn’t remember what he looked like. Awesome start.

I saw the nice, slightly overwhelmed guy in the corner, which was (luckily) him. Conversation was light and easy. He told me all about the touristy things he had done in NYC so far (which embarrassingly, was much more than me).

His sincerity was endearing and from my perspective, entertaining.

Him: “Check out this awesome thing I got” aka a laminated map with subway and bus schedule.

Or things like, “Have you heard of this group before? The guys wear tank tops with stripes and I don’t think they are allowed to wear socks. They also often wear shorts, but that are jeans”

Me: “Jorts.”

Him: “Wait what?”

Me: “Jorts.”

Him: Blank stare

Me: “Never mind, jeans that are shorts, keep going…”

Him: “It’s very strange, they are called…hipsters? And I think I live in their breeding ground. And I tried to be really friendly at a bar, and I really stand out. (Looks at my tank dress with large stripes) Oh wait…are YOU a hipster? I don’t mean it in an offensive way at all…”

I assured him that I wasn’t but told him to try not washing his hair for a few days and avoiding khakis and that he might have a better shot. Thne he also showed me a metal notepad holder he was quite proud of in which he was able take note of things, like the address of the restaurant (he showed me for proof) or was able to do sketches of things he found curious. I then held up my metal notepad aka my IPHONE. (I immediately took a pic knowing you guys wouldn’t believe this unless I showed you):

Here was an unidentified sign he found on the subway.

Him: “I know the first is ‘no smoking,’ obviously, the second ‘throwing away juggling’ but I cant figure out this heart one…” The best and worst part was that I couldn’t detect Canaidian humor/sarcasm so it was hard to know when to laugh at the joke or feel really sad if it wasn’t a joke.

When switching locations, a torrential downpour occurred. Despite our efforts to share an umbrella (which always seems to work in movies), the entire left side of by body was SOAKED. I had straightened my hair for the night before – ha, for other plans, obvi. Would never dream of that much effort for the date, is that sad? – anyway, when it somewhat dried I had one side of me with curly hair, a see through top and wrinkled skirt and the other side with my hair looking like the scary chick from the ring, and a regular outfit on.

All in all, definitely had an enjoyable time, despite ending the date looking like The Joker. Brunch and then a few drinks down the street. I don’t really feel like there was a huge (aka any) romantic connection, but it was nice to meet someone new.

* (Also, I learned later through some investigatory work from MB that the “mystery pill” was actually extra strength Mucinex. This explains why I was SO thirsty to the point of nausea.)

>Preparing for a date, fail #3

22 Aug

>So after previous post, instead of fixing my toilet or hangover, I just crawled back in bed.

Cue, 12pm. 30 minutes until it’s time to leave for my date. Time to get up, shower, etc. Instead, I called one of my best friends to discuss the made for TV christmas movie I discovered last night and my astonishment that neither one of us knew about it. 15 minutes later, convo ended and I realized I was slightly behind. So prep went like this:

1. No time to think about outfit, aka wear outfit from date #1
2. No time to shower, aka lots of perfume
3. Battle to take off last night’s makeup. I lost.
4. Crap KG, don’t decide to do your eyebrows pre-date, esp in a time crunch. (Note, silver eyeshadow does not cover up any redness)
5. Out of advil. There was some mysterious pill in the bottle though that said 600. Hope that isn’t bad?
6. Dont forget umbrella.

I’m excited for this date. No, like really excited because I’ve had to pee all morning and couldnt bc of said broken toilet.

p.s. just realized my date is in 2 minutes.

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