Tag Archives: punishment

>This is what I call motivational support

18 Jul

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Let’s get a couple of things out of the way before we begin: yes, it’s 10pm on a Saturday night, and yes, I’m sitting on my couch half naked surrounded by the remnants of sushi delivered four hours ago and two unopened books on how to more effectively manage men in the workplace. I would have a glass of wine in hand, but last night began with an excess of champagne and ended with a scene that was eerily familiar to that time I OD’ed on Sparks and ended up halfway across the city alone on a public bus circa 3am.

Only this time I’m a grown up and said scene involved colleagues. Precisely why I’m locking myself in tonight and blogging about other people being lame.

Great. Now that you’ve all started judging me, let’s all judge someone else. Take a look at this lovely profile pic from the epic fail that is OkCupid:

This is a real dude. He’s 28, lives on Staten Island, “loves to party,” and you guessed it, he’s looking for a lady.

One of us is going to make his wildest dreams come true.

That’s right. Romeo here is our punishment.

Don’t make your date quota? You get a night out on the Staten Island ferry with this winner. (Note: he goes for the arm around your shoulders just as you pass the Statue of Liberty. Works every time.)

Now, before you’re all, Seriously, look at this man. Get off your ass and start handing your number out on the street or something, (Congrats again, KP. Masterful.) let me remind you that I have a date tomorrow night. [Note: Sunday dates are really great for those times you want to avoid the whole, “it’s midnight, we’ve had two bottles of wine, are we parting ways or making out at your place” thing. Maybe it’s because Sundays are for going to church and eating mom’s pot roast and mashed potatoes or maybe it’s just that we’d really rather not start the week off with a hangover and messed up hair.]

I digress. Back to Romeo, our new-found motivation to find 4 dates in 2 months. Note the XL furry robe hanging on the door, which is what our little friend wears to get from the bathroom he shares with his chain-smoking mom and her 37-year-old boyfriend to the basement each morning where he puts on this t-shirt and starts work on the new website for Crystal’s Closet in Jones County, NJ.

Ladies, we can do better than this.

I could sit here and lie to you, talking about how fun dates are, it’s great meeting new people and learning what exactly an investment banker/analyst/corporate lawyer does, blahblahblah. But let’s be honest: this is our real motivation. Don’t get stuck in a basement on Staten Island drinking Coors Light and watching Star Wars with this dude.

(And yes, I’m well aware the above judgments reflect poorly on me and quite possibly represent reason #467 why I’m single.)

Lastly, since I really am a compassionate, thoughtful, humble woman, my apologies to this guy. Really. I’m sure you’ll find the love of your life when you’re hanging out at the Cold Stone Creamery on Friday night.

Chances are I’ll still be single.

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