Tag Archives: Intervention

>I need an intervention

28 Aug

>

And by intervention I mean sex.
After last night’s late night action involving a pile of cheese, gravy, and fries at Pommes Frites, I stumble out of bed, throw on a bra, and head to the yoga studio down the street.
Only this morning I opt out of steamy Bikram and instead decide to try a more chill studio on the next block. (The good thing about yoga in the am is you can work out and sleep at the same time.)
So I roll up behind two uber flexible 60-year-olds and am thinking, well, don’t have to worry about impressing a potential date #5 today.
Until I see Tyrone. Yes, the yoga instructor’s name in Tyrone (you betta caaaall Tyrone), and he is quite possibly the hottest man I’ve seen in two weeks. (In NYC, that’s saying a lot.)
And then he opens his mouth.
Let’s just say the next two hours were among the most pleasurable and distracting two hours of any workout I’ve ever had. That voice, that body, and the way he touched my ass and whispered in my ear to drop my shoulders on my baby cobra… you better believe my Oms were the loudest in the class.
So by the time the session comes to a close I’ve worked my mat up to be front and center on his standing forward bend. Everyone else is sitting with their eyes closed, meditating, and I’ve got my eyes focused on Tyrone. Those lips. And that ass.
He catches me looking at him and flashes a smile. Embarrassed, I close my eyes and picture us in a downward facing dog.
“Before you go, I want to share a story with you.”
Yesss. Tell me dirty stories, Tyrone. Tell me.
“My wife blah blah bobloblaw blah blah blaaaaah.”

I’m sorry, what did you just say?

“Our daughter blaaaaaaah”
Ohhhhkay, you wait until now to tell me this? I seriously just did a handstand for you, you asshole. (Although I must admit the thought of T-bone and his daughter is adorable.)

We were supposed to get milkshakes in the park, get married after five amazing months, and start making babies. I can’t believe you did this to me.

And then I realize I’m crazy. I am certifiably crazy. I am exhibiting rare symptoms that are none too familiar for yours truly. Symptoms that can only mean one thing:
I, ladies and gentleman, need to get laid.
While I may have won the race to the top on the leaderboard, I’m 0-4 on the dirty. And as evidenced here, inching closer and closer to full blown desperation.
P.S. Oh, and for those of you keeping tabs, I canceled date #3 with Date #3 to the Hamptons. More to come on this…
P.P.S. A pigeon just took a shit on my air conditioner. Karma is for realz.
Advertisements

>Intervention

17 Aug

>So today an intervention was organized via the interwebs about me and my lack of dating and therfore blog posting. It was quite a shock…

I mean my work/blogging/wine drinking BF (known to the blog as KG) and my BFF (we will call her JB), who have only met once and in a drunken haze – have decided to team up against me!

There was a serious exchange of emails – let me share some of the highlights:

KG: SHE says she is set in her ways. I told her, that she needs to update those if she wants any boys to FIND the way to her apt, or more importantly her v… you get the idea. Anyway, I am emailing bc I think we need to join forces and make an actionable plan so that we can give MB something to blog about, and the men of NYC, something to talk about.

JB: MB-if you do not go on a second date by monday, 8/23 i am asking that you please generate and distribute a status report regarding your activity on dating sites, etc. how many sites are you a member of? are you interacting with people? and the real question-are you taking this seriously? i don’t want you to at all take this in the wrong way, but this is your warning. not only are you starving us of you quick wit on the group blog, but you’re starving yourself. starving yourself of opportunity, love and most importantly-getting laid.

On top of my BFF’s reminding me that I’m lame and a bad dater – i had a giant bug in my apartment. And there is no better reminder about how much you need a BF around than a giant BUG. That said – I’m hitting up all dating options by the end of the week. You’re suggestions are needed – help me out ladies!

xoxo

%d bloggers like this: