>Going once. Going twice. Sold!

15 Sep

>First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y’all! That’s right. I’m crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain’t no shame in that.

Now to recap today’s events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone’s name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I’ve lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, “Is there anything else?” When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, “Like are you married? Single?” I was like, “Oh, I”m single.” Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. “So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute”).

When it came to T’s turn, she opened with, “This is KP. She’s a single lady in the city!!!!” Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, “WHAT??!”)

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.

Let’s just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

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>I have standards.

14 Sep

>I’m not one to judge looks (sort of a lie), but when it comes to spelling and grammar, I have standards.

If you can’t tell the diff between it’s and its, there and their, your and you’re, you’re out. Also, in case you missed Ms. Strayhorn’s 1st grade class, when comparing two things it’s than, not then. Possessives use an apostrophe. Too is different than to.
Oh, and punctuation? Seriously, it’s quite simple. A sentence ends in a period. And if you’re rambling on, not only should you reconsider emailing me, you should know how to use my friends semi-colon and comma.
I don’t care if you’re Don Draper, you didn’t go to school, you’re just smart and charming by grace of god, etc. Unacceptable. I kid you not when I say this is by far more unattractive than snotting on me, pooping in my bathroom on the first date, or any other inappropriateness you can think of.
Is this too much to ask?!?
Now, I’m not a heartless bitch. I can overlook a sentence ending in a preposition (see above) or even a mishap on your neither/nors. I’ll cringe, but I can take one for the team.
But for the love of god, boys, as long as text and email remain viable forms of communication, learn how to write.
Please note: the above does not apply to foreigners. Especially tall, dark and handsome ones.

>OCI Friday Leaderboard: Sept 10

14 Sep

>Yes this one is a little behind but since we have TWO more days to bring in the rear, it seems fair and urgent to make up for last weeks leaderboard/REMINDERS:

Dates

KT: 5
KG: 4
KP: 3
CFH: 3*
MB: 2

* waiting for an official post about this third date before it goes in the books forever.

Repeats:

KT: 2
KG: 0
KP: 5
CFH: 2
MB: 0

Ok bottom three, you got 48 hours to HURRY THE JUNK UP.

>It FINALLY happened

14 Sep

>Yes. I got hit on in a coffee shop. With no prompting, or me even looking in his general direction.

Ok so this actually happened like two weeks ago but after the very justified angry email of the morning, i felt it was time to share.

Him: Stay in here as long as possible…because it’s really humid out there.

Me: Polite smile, Oh (fake laugh) yeah…I know right?

Him: Unless your from the south. In which case you’re used to it.

Me: Oh…I am.

Him: Oh yeah? What part.

Me: (EFF. How did I actually let this become a conversation) NC.

Him: (pleasantly surprised) Oh yeah, where?

Me: As I name my city, I’m waiting for him to have gone to the same high school as me or something (although at least a decade earlier)

Him: Oh ok I’m from Colubmus. South Carolina.

Wait so I’m confused. Why is that even a possible pretend coincidence. It’s not even the same state. And you are from the South, so why are you talking about humidity.

Rating:

Despite the failed and quite literal “talk about the weather” convo, I have to give him high marks for even trying. I know that takes guts (even when we are like, wait, why are you talking to me, and not in the cute surprised schoolgirl way).

Effort: 8
Date possibility: 0

Also a cute guy just walked in. The I realized he had on a sleeveless tissue tee. And it’s racer back. And he has a Luke Perry below the bottom lip thing. But no Alicia Silverstone, he’s not Luke Perry.

Effort: 0
Date possibility: 8. Then 0.

>WTFreak?

14 Sep

>I get to work this am, and this is the first message in my inbox from my dear friend T:

Subject: WTFreak

Why has no one posted in like 5 billions years? I mean, thank goodness I just finished night shift for awhile bc the blog def helped get me through and the lack of posting def would have affected me, my patients, and probably the entire city of baltimore.. But still.. GET ON IT

>Old tricks

11 Sep

>Yeah, I’m talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it’s largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as “I’m forward and am free at midnight,” sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.
Enter bar scene last night: It’s Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.
Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He’s with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.
Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You’re cute. Call me.


KP is the excited messenger.
My friend thinks you’re cute. You should call her. She’s the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I’m on phone.)
Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn’t feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.
Not this dude.
What?!? But I don’t even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.
Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:
“Thanks for number! I didn’t get to say hi. Hope u are good.”
Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.
Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.

>OMFG. best. email. ever.

10 Sep

>So i got this email today from my friend who works in analytics. And I started laughing out loud.

A) because its awesome
B) because its proof someone wastes as much time as me with this blog

Subject: Just for fun

So I’m trying to create some word clouds for a client project so I’m learning to use a new tool. In order test my skills I needed to make a couple examples. And instead of being really bored doing this, I decided to be entertained and create a word cloud based off the conversations on SD. I might say, this turned out rather interesting. See attached.

Here are the top 5 things I learned about your blog while doing this and in typical analytical fashion a few recommendations for life optimization:

KG:
You are the center of conversations. Your initials clearly represent a large portion of the conversations either because you post a lot and/or you’re referenced a lot. Thank you for being an entertaining friend.

** Recommendation: None, keep being you.

Speed (dating):
This also covered a large portion of conversations. While there were only a few actual experiences, they resulted in a large number of references and comments.

** Recommendation: While the results of said speed dating may not be rewarding, this attributes to a good amount of writing material.

Thought/Think:
This can 100% validate what was said during this week’s Wednesday Wakeup Call; ladies, we think way too much.

** Recommendation: Stop thinking (is that even possible, I mean we are girls after all)

Drink:
Dead center of the word cloud and rather large. No explanation needed.

** Recommendation: Nothing much we can do about this one, I think this is a large portion of our lives, our friendships, and of course the success of any date.

Victory:
This is way too small and conversely, Failed is nearly double the size. You ladies should have way more victories than this shows!

** Recommendation: Give yourselves some credit, you all have had some big victories! Also, let’s work on the guy selection for the next challenge so you don’t have to use the word fail so often.

>White Pie, White Lie, Creepy Guy

10 Sep

>Ok. So remember the night KG and I went speed dating (and then failed to really follow up about it on the blog)? Well, I also failed to follow up on what happened to me post-speed dating…

Once KG and I parted ways (after desperately searching for a place to get a mothereffin slice of pizza) I went to my local pizzeria in Brooklyn. I wasn’t boutsta to go home on an empty stomach and three vodka sodas (p.s. we were at the speed dating bar for 1 hour).

I ordered a slice. Enter attractive guy in a suit.

Him: Did you order yet?
Me: Yes.
Him: (Sigh). I’m tired.
Me: Long day?
Him: Yes. Very.
Me: I know what you mean. I just got back from speed dating. One guy told me he was from Pluto.

All of this led to a conversation outside of the pizza place where he told me I was really beautiful (ok, you got my attention). He asked for my name, number, and email (ok, pretty aggressive. Also, I had scarfed down my entire slice by this point). He then asked if I wanted to hang out THAT night (ok, very aggressive). I made up a lie and said I had plans with a friend (Netflix). He told me he would text me later that night (ok, creepy and desperate).

Subsequent texts received:
-an hour after I gave him my number: “hi :)”(Forrealz?? I told him to text me later in the week to meet up)

-the next day (Tues): “how are you?” (No response)

-the next day (Wed): “Hey…wanna go out for a drink?” (God he sucks so hard. I lied and told him I just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn’t ready for the whole dating thing. I thought this would send a clear message to back the eff off).
His response: “Then let’s not call it a date, let’s just have a glass of whine (his error, not mine) and enjoy the great weather :)” (I told him no. If the creep factor wasn’t a dealbreaker, the misspelling def was.)

-Friday: “How r you?” (No response)

-Tonight: “Hi KP” (No response)

Wtf? Totes creepy! I keep glancing out my window to make sure he isn’t watching me, ready to chop me up into itty bitty pieces.

Alas, I’m still searching for numba 4. I wonder if that guy from Pluto is still available.

>G-chat recap: Blind Date

9 Sep

>CW: How was it? Or am I allowed to ask how it was anymore? Or do I have to read the blog.

KG: I love that KT posted my recap before I did. That’s why this blog makes me happy.

It was good.
It went from “Hmm, I dont think he’s interested..”
‪To “oh wait, maybe he is…crap, but now I’m not interested‬…”
‪To “Oh you like music that I like…”
To “Oh heeeeeey drink number three…”

But I don’t think I feel any chemistry. But I had a good time.

CW: Soooo…he likes you and you don’t like him back?

KG: Sigh. No. Well maybe? Wait no.

Overall, the date was pretty good. No, I’d say fun. Partly because of the company, partly because victory tastes so sweet (final four baby!!), and partly (read: mostly) because of the booze.

Also I think a highlight was how creeped out he was at how incestual our friend group is.


He thought M introduced us and that our connections were limited to picture A.

But when he said something about M’s boyfriend P and then I commented, he was like, “wait you know P?”

And then I started to unravel exhibit B….

This feels like a chart from the L word…

>Shout outs

9 Sep

>Remember when you usta call in to the radio station after 10pm and give your shout outs (which until a few years ago I actually thought were shot outs)?

Well, I wanna give a shout out to my girl KG as she’s drinking her way through the finish line.
I just received the following texts and thought I should share with the group. Because let’s face it, we’re at the edge of our seats waiting for real-time updates.
KG: Ok, on blind date. We just got drink 2. I think he’s not interested. Is it rude if I get an appetizer anyway?
One hour later…
KG: Ok, actually much better. He likes R&B more than men and he’s white. We’ve ordered 2 dishes and on 3rd drink. Aka I’m almost drunk
Hold up… did she just say he likes R&B more than men?

Men, take note.
Sounds like date numero quatro may be carrying KG through the finish line and onto the DTD leaderboard.

>Date FOURplay

8 Sep

>Ok so in some pre-date logistical emails for date numba four, several things have been established:

Delay of game
He apologized for taking a long time to get back to me as to where we should meet (that was thoughtful)

Proof of employment
In said apology, he said he got a new computer at work aka he has a job

I have weird humor
As my first instinct was to reply sending this image as a desktop background and saying “the attached pic will change your life.”

Touche
His response to my email was, “Quality, but have you seen this link

Oh shit
We are going to the SAME restaurant as epic bartender fail. I always suggest it bc I love it so much. And then remember why I haven’t been in a while.

At least this time, I’m not dressed like a softball coach…

>Left in the dust . A plea for help.

8 Sep

>
So KT has kicked this dating challenge’s ass (maybs even squeezing in a numba 5) and KG is not far behind, fist pumping her way across that finish line, with a few days to spare.

Me? While I did rack up another point on the repeats board this week, let’s be honest. That don’t mean a thang. Repeats ain’t nothing but a number.

The point of this post is to help me land date numba 4. And fast. I’m desps. If anyone has any suggestions on where to find a man, please send them my way. If anyone knows of any equally desperate men, please send them my way. If anyone has bottles of booze to spare, please send them my way. I prefer Hendricks, but losers can’t be choosers.

>Wednesday Wake-Up Call: Sept 8

8 Sep

>So this week’s Wednesday Wake-Up Call comes from another featured Mr. Monday. Don’t have time for a longer intro because I have to go back and re-read this knowledge that was just kindly DROPPED…

When asked to guest-star on this blog, I was a little nervous at first. I’m a numbers guy; words aren’t my strong point. I’m REALLY good at writing “Attached, please find the latest version of the quantitative analysis. Please advise.” Beyond that, my writing skills are about as smooth as KG in a lesbian softball coach outfit or a first date kiss with KT.

The direction of this post will be different than that of the first and second posts from fellow XYs to grace this blog. I’m actually going to offer up a couple pieces of advice on dating for women. Yes, I am that brazen/stupid. Yes, I have a few years of dating experience under my belt in NYC (more than a couple, less than countless). No, I never tried speed dating or online dating. Yes, I currently have a girlfriend. She is amazing.


Now that we got that long-winded-yet-important introduction out of the way, its time to make like Tracy Jordan and drop some truth bombs. It’s what I do.

1. Be Direct & Honest.
Lying sucks. If you lie to get a date (or ON a date) and “pretend” to like something, you’re doing yourself a disservice, and doing him a disservice. Think about it. You’re misrepresenting yourself in a situation where you’re supposed to be getting to know one another. Honesty is refreshing. Why hide anything? Do you still comb the hair on your collection of My Little Ponies? ROCK that. Do you love to scarf down a pound of prosciutto after a night of drinking? SCARF Away. Do you turn on every single light in your apartment when you get a glass of water at night because you’re still scared of monsters? AWESOME. ME TOO. What’s the worst that can happen? He likes you for you?

2. End It If You’re Not Interested.
I’ve heard the “free dinner” argument, but I’m not buying it (no pun intended). For those economists out there, think Opportunity Cost. Leading someone on is more cruel than telling him you’re not interested. It’s 1,924,203.13 times better to be upfront and honest with someone. It’s science…………. +1 to the people who know who the guy is in that picture.

3. Stop Freaking Out.
If there’s one differentiating (non-physical) trait between a girl and a guy, I would say it’s thought process. Girls think waaay too much into waaay too many things from waaay too many angles. Guys are comparatively neanderthalic. A short list of things most girls worry about: location, conversation topics, humidity, cuisine, versatility of attire, hair, perception, wine pairing, updating friends, enough but not-too-much make-up, bathroom breaks, placement of the table in the restaurant, kissing, offering to pay, etc……. A complete list of things most guys worry about: button down or t-shirt, not sounding like an idiot. I guarantee that most things that may seem REALLY IMPORTANT are not really that important at all. He’ll like you for you, regardless of whether or not your eye shadow is…. ahhhh who am I kidding I don’t even know how to describe eye shadow.

4. He Is Out There.
It’s true, despite what some naysayers say. Don’t listen to what “can” and “can not” be. Don’t settle for Wesley Snipes. You may have met him already, you may meet him 5 years from now. But he’s out there. And he’s the one.


Hopefully you found these male insights helpful. Look again, your dating life is now diamonds! I’m on a blog.

>H to the izzo, F to the izzor

8 Sep

>That’s right homies. I’m ‘bout-sta Pop Lock and Drop this biz (aka my fake swagger/dating challenge) across the fin-ash line.

Reasons why friends are the BOMB.COM: you tell them you are in a bind and they stand and deliver.

However, sometimes, over deliver?

Me: OMG, I only have a week to get date #4, and I have no idea how I’ll do it.

Enter awesome friend(s) from SF, M and M….

M sends this email to a guy that is currently in NYC for an abbreev amt of time:

Well here’s the story – my amazing superstar friend from Duke, KG has been challenged to going on 7 blind dates in 7 weeks by her empathetic non-single friends who are mostly angling for some voyeuristic drama in their lives. Not one to turn down a challenge of any sort, KG is approaching week seven of this epic date-a-thon. Given that you are both fun happy cool creative ppl and that you will be in NYC for a few more days, I thought I would set you up for KG’s 7th blind date 🙂

Right.

Amazing. Wait. What? What challenge? Why seven dates? What’s so special about 7?? I’m down with G-O-D but did he create this dating challenge? Or is this a Brad Pitt movie? I don’t know how to approach any questions, comments or concerns.

So I am UUBER grateful – as I would never have secured date Numba Fo otherwise (…but forreal I wouldn’t). That said, I also realized that other ppl being creative is dangerous for several reasons:

1. Holy ish. He may/is gonna ask how dates 1-6 went

2. Holy ish. He may/is gonna ask why I have a 7 date/week challenge

3. Wait, why DO I have a 7 date/week challenge?

4. Wait if I did, would I have 7 empathetic friends?

5. Apparently not since it took me 2 moths to get 4 dates

6. Eff my friends

7. OMG friends don’t leave me, I need you for more dates

8. At least wine (both red and white) is always my friend. That and re-runs of How I met your Mother

9. Sigh.

So “blind date with creative guy” is tmrw and I have to say, I’m excited. There’s something kinda nice about knowing nothing about it.

Expecting the worst, but hoping for something interesting to blog about. So if anyone else has some friends to send our way, bring em on.

Until then, lets see how lucky numero cuatro goes.

Oh, and after all that talk, kinda thinking somehting like this SHOULD be our next challenge. Good thinking M…

>Train encounters

8 Sep

>I was just stuck underground for 56 minutes. On a train. Without AC.

Let me repeat, smelly peeps, 20 blocks, 56 minutes. A one-legged turtle could carry me faster — with laptop in bag.

You might think I was ready to kill a kitten, because that’s how us New Yorkers roll.

But alas, handsome man to the rescue.


Killer suit, Don Draper hair, Kindle in hand. (Omgee what Don Draper could have done for the Kindle.)

Dude would read a few lines, look up and flash me the classic I’m annoyed too, but ain’t a thang we can do, honey look.

I would look down and flash the I can think of a few things that would pass the time look.

He would raise and eyebrow that said, My place?

I’d look away, Oh my. I didn’t mean that. I was going to suggest reading over your shoulder…

He would be all, Forgive me. Let me buy you a drink.

I’d be all, I don’t accept drinks from strangers.

He’d be all. Well don’t be a stranger. My place. 8pm.

Unfortunately, the only look dude really flashed was his wedding ring.

And a look that said none too subtly, Why are you staring at me and blogging at the same time?

Next time, I’m cabbing it.

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