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Where in the world…

24 Feb

is KT??!?

Yes, you were the first to cross the finish line last time.

Yes, you have an important job that actually deals with issues that I can’t read about in Teen People.

Yes, you are too hot to trot.


You are not allowed to use any of the above as excuses.

You need to get yo ass on some dates.

You better watch out, because I get to help implement the next challenge and I’m not going easy…


Aaaaaand we’re back.

16 Feb
I may or may not have just woken up in a pile of mozzarella sticks.

Roll over to find a sweet lil thang in my bed, sleeping peacefully on a pillow of ketchup-covered napkins.

Look around the room to make sure I made it home with the essentials: glasses, computer, and KP. Check.

Pick up my phone to survey last night’s damage. Not surprised to find a sent box full of regretsies. Will deal with that later.

Sit up to chug water and realize I can’t feel my ass. Panic before remembering yesterday’s painful workout class.

Pop 4 Advil and turn on 30 Rock. Laugh at everything that comes out of Liz Lemon’s mouth.

Go back to sleep. Dream of Alec Baldwin getting me preggers.

Wake up, 30 seconds of sadness upon realizing it was just a dream. Quickly recover.

Spend 20 minutes deciding the most appropriate 11am hangover delivery. Consult others via text, sushi beats burrito.

Put on pants. Realize I need to be at the office in an hour. Realize I overpromised when I committed to being in on a Saturday.

Look out the window at the gorgeous people headed to Fashion Week. Decide to take shower.

Wash my hair to Katy Perry on repeat. Remember taking over the DJ’s turn tables at the bar last night.

Remember more not-so-flattering details from last night.

Try to find good excuse for poor behavior.
Try to find a way to apologize to everyone.
Try to find motivation to do it all again.

Remember SixteenDates.

Ladies and gents, we’re back. Bigger and sluttier than ever.



What to expect when you’re expecting v2.0

16 Feb

Alright, ya’llz. This month KT and I will be going on one date a week for the next month. Since our blog relaunched two days after the trashiest holiday of the year (which, btw, KT and I spent together stuffing our faces with tacos and corn drenched in butta), we’re appropriately calling this the V-day Challenge. Both to commemorate this day of love (carnitas) as well as to help us bounce back from it.

Every month we will seek your input to determine the next challenge.

Some new things you can look forward to this time around on the blog:

  • Guest contributors (maybe even you??)
  • Polls and quizzes
  • Categories for posts (i.e. Why I am single, Eff dating, Traumarama)
  • Creeper/Keeper ratings for all the mens
  • Tweets via our Twitter page
  • Sharing/Liking posts via Facebook

Get readz for version two point ohhhhhhh, bitches!

After these messages…

19 Sep

…we’ll be right back.

Thats right people. We are taking a few weeks off from the world of dating for sport. Why?

1. So we can do “real-work” for 2 weeks so our bosses don’t get suspicious.
2. Come up with challenge numba TWO
3. Brainstorm new ways to stalk men of NYC.

So if any of you have any ideas for 2 and 3 or how we can make 1 irrelevant, we are all ears.

Until then, we are going to be reminding ourselves that we dont need pride anyway so we can gear up for another round.

Update: Midwest Man

17 Sep

I’m so behind on posts, I’m just going to plow through them all at once!

And this is a bit of a delicate subject, given that Midwest Man may or may not read this blog. And I know that one of his best friends does (that’s right, C) and will occasionally cut and paste content in an email to him. (Please don’t do that!?)

But for the sake of the leaderboard, I’ve now gone on three dates with him (with a fourth this weekend). He’s GREAT. I’ll write more on these soon…

>Update: Man#1

17 Sep

>So remember Man#1 (let’s call him B), who is a cute hipster but took me to a horrible sushi place for lunch? He texted to ask me out to burgers…that was last weekend and I told him “Sure! I’ll get in touch with you next week!”

But I haven’t.

So can I just ignore him? That’s mean. The alternative is to write and say that I’m not interested, but that’s kind of mean as well. Or I could get burgers with him, but I would rather spend my time with people I really like.


>Date Recap: CFH Man#3, Date#1

17 Sep

>On Monday night, I went on a date with a sweet guy we’ll call Z. Time was running out and my schedule was quite busy, so I penciled him in for a 45-minute drink before dinner with my roommate (which, by the way, I’m going to argue is my (Wo)Man#4).

For whatever reason, it seems like I’m always stuck picking meet-up spots. I guess it’s easy to tell I’m opinionated?

Of course, the cute Japanese sushi/sake place I pick doesn’t have any bar seats. And my back-up bar is also packed. So we end up at a diner nearby, drinking wine (I tried to go for a carafe instead of a glass each, and his expression clearly implied he thinks I’m a lush).

His follow-up question, “So what do you do on the weekends? Where do you like to go out?” confirmed this. It seemed he was surprised (and relieved) that my idea of a good time is NOT to go out clubbing on Friday and Saturday nights. Obviously, my favorite thing to do is eat and that’s how I spend my time. I’m going to assume that his calling my jacket “mini” was not a way to suggest that maybe I should cut back on my dinners out…

Z was incredibly nerdy in a really endearing way — he wears glasses, has just a tiny bit of pudge, studied math and philosophy at Standford, got a masters in philosophy in London, went to Yale Law School for a year before dropping out, worked at a start-up internet company…and now works for Google. He just moved to Brooklyn and is SO excited to have his own place. (I half ignored the comment about how he can’t wait for his mother to visit so he can buy lots of cool kitchen supplies.) He’s incredibly smart and opinionated. He also happens to work with my mother’s ex-boyfriend, who I guess is dubbed “Angry [B]” at work. (Sad.)

At the end of our date, he walked me to the subway (saying, you’re not going to take a cab, are you? which is exactly what I was planning to do…but then felt guilty about it). I apologized for the time crunch but he assured me that he didn’t mind at all. Which I took to mean that he was obviously bored the whole time.

BUT last night he texted to ask me out again…so I guess it wasn’t all that bad. Can you guess what he proposed as one date idea (along with dinner/drinks)? BOARD GAMES. That’s right. I actually kind of love it, but I’m not sure I like him as more than a friend. Would it be wrong to try and set him up with one of my single girlfriends?!

>Public Apology

17 Sep

>Dear J,

We, are assholes.

We totally missed your email. Probably because you are the first and only person to ever email us. (Thanks for taking the pressure off of our empty inbox).

Love your story. Also, we are glad to know that we’ve contributed to you being slightly less productive at work.

As we gear up for challeng numero DOS, I think we are gonna need some of your stories, insights and wisdom now more than ever.

We will chat with you soon to figure out eggsactly how you can drop some knowledge on us all.

sixteen dates

(And yes, this is the blog’s second reference to You’ve Got Mail. This should make Meg Ryan and Mr. Monday #1 pleased)

>The taste of sweet, sweet victory

16 Sep

I’m happy to announce that I have (finally) crossed the mothereffin finish line. That’s right ladies and gents, I successfully found four different people to date me.

To sum up the 4th date, it was successful in that we ate heaping piles of meat served on wax paper on a large tray with jars of beer. Could it get any sexier than that? B was super funny, smart, and just generally fun to be around. Not sure if B and I will enter dating territory, but I feel it was the best way to end this challenge – on a good note, embracing my carnivorous side and drinking Bud Light in a 32 oz styrofoam cup.

>10 hours and couting…

16 Sep

>to get any last minute dates, repeats or DTD counts before our official Sixteen Dates challenge is O-V-A.

All im saying, is momma likes a good cocktail, or 4. Please note I like my martinis extra dir-tay (I am from the dirty south) with 3 olives. Thanks.

KP – good luck on sliding into home. In more ways than one.

>Going once. Going twice. Sold!

15 Sep

>First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y’all! That’s right. I’m crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain’t no shame in that.

Now to recap today’s events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone’s name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I’ve lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, “Is there anything else?” When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, “Like are you married? Single?” I was like, “Oh, I”m single.” Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. “So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute”).

When it came to T’s turn, she opened with, “This is KP. She’s a single lady in the city!!!!” Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, “WHAT??!”)

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.

Let’s just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

>OCI Friday Leaderboard: Sept 10

14 Sep

>Yes this one is a little behind but since we have TWO more days to bring in the rear, it seems fair and urgent to make up for last weeks leaderboard/REMINDERS:


KT: 5
KG: 4
KP: 3
CFH: 3*
MB: 2

* waiting for an official post about this third date before it goes in the books forever.


KT: 2
KG: 0
KP: 5
CFH: 2
MB: 0

Ok bottom three, you got 48 hours to HURRY THE JUNK UP.

>It FINALLY happened

14 Sep

>Yes. I got hit on in a coffee shop. With no prompting, or me even looking in his general direction.

Ok so this actually happened like two weeks ago but after the very justified angry email of the morning, i felt it was time to share.

Him: Stay in here as long as possible…because it’s really humid out there.

Me: Polite smile, Oh (fake laugh) yeah…I know right?

Him: Unless your from the south. In which case you’re used to it.

Me: Oh…I am.

Him: Oh yeah? What part.

Me: (EFF. How did I actually let this become a conversation) NC.

Him: (pleasantly surprised) Oh yeah, where?

Me: As I name my city, I’m waiting for him to have gone to the same high school as me or something (although at least a decade earlier)

Him: Oh ok I’m from Colubmus. South Carolina.

Wait so I’m confused. Why is that even a possible pretend coincidence. It’s not even the same state. And you are from the South, so why are you talking about humidity.


Despite the failed and quite literal “talk about the weather” convo, I have to give him high marks for even trying. I know that takes guts (even when we are like, wait, why are you talking to me, and not in the cute surprised schoolgirl way).

Effort: 8
Date possibility: 0

Also a cute guy just walked in. The I realized he had on a sleeveless tissue tee. And it’s racer back. And he has a Luke Perry below the bottom lip thing. But no Alicia Silverstone, he’s not Luke Perry.

Effort: 0
Date possibility: 8. Then 0.


14 Sep

>I get to work this am, and this is the first message in my inbox from my dear friend T:

Subject: WTFreak

Why has no one posted in like 5 billions years? I mean, thank goodness I just finished night shift for awhile bc the blog def helped get me through and the lack of posting def would have affected me, my patients, and probably the entire city of baltimore.. But still.. GET ON IT

>Old tricks

11 Sep

>Yeah, I’m talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it’s largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as “I’m forward and am free at midnight,” sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.
Enter bar scene last night: It’s Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.
Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He’s with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.
Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You’re cute. Call me.

KP is the excited messenger.
My friend thinks you’re cute. You should call her. She’s the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I’m on phone.)
Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn’t feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.
Not this dude.
What?!? But I don’t even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.
Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:
“Thanks for number! I didn’t get to say hi. Hope u are good.”
Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.
Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.
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