Archive by Author

Things ain’t looking good ladies.

20 Feb

This is the singles map from Marie Claire. All I gotta say is I think I’m boutsta leave NYC and head to Cali.

Shit.

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Blind dating: not as trashy as Roger Lodge would have you believe

19 Feb

First date of the V-day Challenge. Check. First blind date. Check. First sober date. Check.

My friend set me up with her friend’s younger brother who (for reasons unbeknownst to her) has been perpetually single for a while. It was a for real blind date. As in, I had not seen any pictures of this dude nor was I given any physical descriptors. My friend had met him once a few years ago, yet she could not conjure up a mental image of him, instead telling me, “I just remember him being funny.” Funny’s good, don’t get me wrong, but strictly deferring to homeboy’s personality isn’t so good, right?

Well me and Funny Man exchanged a few emails. And yes, he did seem funny, at least electronically. We ended up getting coffee in Park Slope and walked around the neighborhood. He was friendly. He was chatty. He was funny. Not awkward in the least bit. But no sparks flying. Pretty sure the feeling was mutual, given that I have not heard from him since. Also, the date lasted about an hour in its entirety, probs qualifying it as the shortest date ever on SixteenDates, or simply the shortest date ever.

Regardless, I feel this was the perfect date to kick off the first challenge. I’d like to think Roger Lodge and his blazers would keep this date out of the Hall of Shame. I mean, there was no snot flying around or awkwardly-timed public kisses, which keeps me (somewhat) hopeful for the upcoming men of future challenges. Howevs, my standards appear to be somewhat lowered. Now onto finding date numba 2…

Creeper/Keeper Rating = 6  (1-10 scale)

What to expect when you’re expecting v2.0

16 Feb

Alright, ya’llz. This month KT and I will be going on one date a week for the next month. Since our blog relaunched two days after the trashiest holiday of the year (which, btw, KT and I spent together stuffing our faces with tacos and corn drenched in butta), we’re appropriately calling this the V-day Challenge. Both to commemorate this day of love (carnitas) as well as to help us bounce back from it.

Every month we will seek your input to determine the next challenge.

Some new things you can look forward to this time around on the blog:

  • Guest contributors (maybe even you??)
  • Polls and quizzes
  • Categories for posts (i.e. Why I am single, Eff dating, Traumarama)
  • Creeper/Keeper ratings for all the mens
  • Tweets via our Twitter page
  • Sharing/Liking posts via Facebook

Get readz for version two point ohhhhhhh, bitches!

>The taste of sweet, sweet victory

16 Sep

>
I’m happy to announce that I have (finally) crossed the mothereffin finish line. That’s right ladies and gents, I successfully found four different people to date me.

To sum up the 4th date, it was successful in that we ate heaping piles of meat served on wax paper on a large tray with jars of beer. Could it get any sexier than that? B was super funny, smart, and just generally fun to be around. Not sure if B and I will enter dating territory, but I feel it was the best way to end this challenge – on a good note, embracing my carnivorous side and drinking Bud Light in a 32 oz styrofoam cup.

>Going once. Going twice. Sold!

15 Sep

>First things first. Tonight is date numba 4, y’all! That’s right. I’m crossing that finish line with 3 hours to spare. Ain’t no shame in that.

Now to recap today’s events.

I just started a new job and had to go to orientation today. It started with the inevitable and dreaded icebreaker activity where we had to pick someone’s name out of a jar, find that person, and barrage them with a bunch of questions so we could introduce them to the rest of the group. This may have been somewhat enticing had the prospects in that jar not consisted of all women and a mere 2 men.

A woman named T found me and I gave her all the standard responses (i.e. when I graduated from grad school, where I grew up, how long I’ve lived in NY, etc). She then asked me, “Is there anything else?” When I gave her a quizzical look, she asked, “Like are you married? Single?” I was like, “Oh, I”m single.” Guh. Does this really have to come up right now??! She smiled.

Everyone began introducing each other and reciting one impressive resume after the next (i.e. “So-and-So graduated with a doctorate from Harvard and a post-doc from Yale. He/she is director of psychiatric testing at the Albert Ellis Institute”).

When it came to T’s turn, she opened with, “This is KP. She’s a single lady in the city!!!!” Everyone awkwardly laughed and looked my way as I smiled and waved my hand (trying to own it) feeling as if I were being auctioned off as a date at a charity event.

Thanks, T. Never had I detested icebreakers as much as at that moment. (Sidenote: One of my old supervisors was there and just stared at me like, “WHAT??!”)

Fortunately, the day got better when the NYFD came in to give us CPR training. We each got our own blow-up doll (to take home). See Exhibit A.

Let’s just say I blew him on the floor. And on the table. I think this is one for the DTC board (and maybe the DTD board).

>Old tricks

11 Sep

>Yeah, I’m talking bout the old unsolicited number give away.

Despite having proven it’s largely ineffective and oftentimes translates as “I’m forward and am free at midnight,” sometimes SD just makes us do things that in other circumstances would be totesinappropes.
Enter bar scene last night: It’s Fashion Week, which means a bar that usually gathers countless attractive men was instead filled with waif-like Amazon women and extremely handsome gay men.
Out of the 25ish (straight) men, we spot one that is decent and not accompanied by other women. He’s with friends, doing a cute little lean across the room.
Two drinks in, I pull out the New Yorker, tear off a little piece, and scribble these simple lines:

You’re cute. Call me.


KP is the excited messenger.
My friend thinks you’re cute. You should call her. She’s the one over there on her phone.

(Me, pretending I’m on phone.)
Now, any normal man would be flattered, blush, and even if he wasn’t feeling it would say a quick and simple, Thanks.
Not this dude.
What?!? But I don’t even know her!?

Ok, really? Really?! Give me my number back.
Fast forward two hours, I get a text from said victim:
“Thanks for number! I didn’t get to say hi. Hope u are good.”
Ohhhhhhkay. Hope you are GOOD? Hope you are GOOD?! Someone skipped 4th grade grammar.
Two strikes and unidentified man is out. Too bad, would have gotten me back in the game.

>White Pie, White Lie, Creepy Guy

10 Sep

>Ok. So remember the night KG and I went speed dating (and then failed to really follow up about it on the blog)? Well, I also failed to follow up on what happened to me post-speed dating…

Once KG and I parted ways (after desperately searching for a place to get a mothereffin slice of pizza) I went to my local pizzeria in Brooklyn. I wasn’t boutsta to go home on an empty stomach and three vodka sodas (p.s. we were at the speed dating bar for 1 hour).

I ordered a slice. Enter attractive guy in a suit.

Him: Did you order yet?
Me: Yes.
Him: (Sigh). I’m tired.
Me: Long day?
Him: Yes. Very.
Me: I know what you mean. I just got back from speed dating. One guy told me he was from Pluto.

All of this led to a conversation outside of the pizza place where he told me I was really beautiful (ok, you got my attention). He asked for my name, number, and email (ok, pretty aggressive. Also, I had scarfed down my entire slice by this point). He then asked if I wanted to hang out THAT night (ok, very aggressive). I made up a lie and said I had plans with a friend (Netflix). He told me he would text me later that night (ok, creepy and desperate).

Subsequent texts received:
-an hour after I gave him my number: “hi :)”(Forrealz?? I told him to text me later in the week to meet up)

-the next day (Tues): “how are you?” (No response)

-the next day (Wed): “Hey…wanna go out for a drink?” (God he sucks so hard. I lied and told him I just got out of a long-term relationship and wasn’t ready for the whole dating thing. I thought this would send a clear message to back the eff off).
His response: “Then let’s not call it a date, let’s just have a glass of whine (his error, not mine) and enjoy the great weather :)” (I told him no. If the creep factor wasn’t a dealbreaker, the misspelling def was.)

-Friday: “How r you?” (No response)

-Tonight: “Hi KP” (No response)

Wtf? Totes creepy! I keep glancing out my window to make sure he isn’t watching me, ready to chop me up into itty bitty pieces.

Alas, I’m still searching for numba 4. I wonder if that guy from Pluto is still available.

>Left in the dust . A plea for help.

8 Sep

>
So KT has kicked this dating challenge’s ass (maybs even squeezing in a numba 5) and KG is not far behind, fist pumping her way across that finish line, with a few days to spare.

Me? While I did rack up another point on the repeats board this week, let’s be honest. That don’t mean a thang. Repeats ain’t nothing but a number.

The point of this post is to help me land date numba 4. And fast. I’m desps. If anyone has any suggestions on where to find a man, please send them my way. If anyone knows of any equally desperate men, please send them my way. If anyone has bottles of booze to spare, please send them my way. I prefer Hendricks, but losers can’t be choosers.

>My better self speaks French

1 Sep

>So a few days ago I created an alternate okcupid identity (yes, I am actually admitting this. And no, I did not fill out a complete profile. Just the basics). Anyway, I created a second profile so I could do some repeat looks at guys’ profiles or let my friends view them (Okcu tracks who visits your profile).

She is similar to me on certain things (age, religion, education level) but has some upgrades:

– Her user name is SO much funnier and creative than mine. I really wish I would have thought of it when I created my actual profile.

– Her pic (found on google images) is HOT (not to trot) and artsy. Perfect profile, great jawline, sexy glasses, etc.

– She speaks French fluently

– She is taller and skinnier

The fact that she became my ideal self was more of a subconscious thing. Turns out the guys who visit my better self’s profile are WAY HOTTER than the guys who visit mine. Shit.

So I thought I’d let you guys know that I am using this to my advantage and messaging said hot guys under my real okcu profile in an attempt to land date number 4. Hope they like KP v.2.0 as much as they like KP v.3.0.

>Dear Hot To Trot,

31 Aug

>
Ok, ok. I guess the cat’s outta the bag.

If I were 15 again, this would def go on the record as a traumarama moment. Except at 15 I would most likely slam my bedroom door, cry, and convince myself my life was over.

At 26, I’m proud to report that there were no tears, no slamming of bedroom doors (although I don’t really have one), and no catastrophic thinking (well, maybe for like 5 seconds). I’d like to take this as evidence that I am really growing into a mature and sensible adult. Although I’m pretty sure mature and sensible adults don’t refer to attractive men as “Hot To Trot”, search and post pics of steamy piles of shit, and consider trashy day sex to be a viable date option. I’d like to think it was all for the blog.
So thank you, HTT, for supporting the blog, allowing it all to come full circle, and most importantly, helping us score a movie deal out of it. Although I can’t promise you any cuts, I will make sure you are played by Jared Leto.

Yours Truly,
KP

P.S. Feel free to be our Wednesday guest blogger this week.

>Didn’t make the cut

31 Aug

>
Here is a compilation of messages received on okcu. Let’s just say these didn’t exactly encourage a response. Please feel free to add to the list, Sixteen Daters!

(We feel kind of guilty about this, but it’s funny.)

To CFH:
You look like Jesus running across a snowy field. You know, If Jesus wore boots and was a girl and stuff…

To KP:
hi, young adult books. i went there too, but i listed some in my profile which ones have you read??? hope to hear form you -S
-and then-
2nd try. i sent you a message a while ago asking about young adult books you never got back to me which is fine, but who knows maybe you over looked it or something. so here i am saying hi again hope to hear from you

To KP:
Adventure. I know most people write things on their profile that they don’t actually mean (unlike me) but if you truly want an adventure then you should try a tickling session. It’s something you’ve never done before, a great workout, you’ll laugh your head off through the entire experience (including snorting which you say you do when you laugh) and it will be the adventure of your life.
-63% Enemy 27% Friend 17%-
the next day. Via instant message.
*tickling your feet right now*

To CFH and KP. On the same day. Verbatim.
-Personal intro (extrapolating details from each of our profiles), then…-
I got back on Thursday night from a 10-day vacation to eastern Europe — I managed to go out Friday night but I’m still a little jet-lagged — looking forward to watching HBO tonight. What did you do this weekend?
Best,
A

To CFH:
It would be awesome if we could chat tonight. I just really want to explore my bi and submissive urges with a girl. Let me know if you’re interested 🙂

To CFH:
Hey there how are you! You really caught my attn reading ypur profile and would really love to get to know you, chat wink email fax whatever works, maybe grab an ice cream cone or a cold drink and just enjoy your company.

To CFH:
hey I thought you were special .You seem like a fun and attractive girl. I just took a new job as an assistant golf pro. You seem like a girl that would enjoy a nice guy not one that’s out to play games. I just want to make you laugh.

>Speed dating upDATE

30 Aug

>
So CFH and I are gracefully bowing out of speed dating tonight. For good reason. CFH has numba 2 booked for tonight!!!!! Obvi it’s way more important for her to get her numbers up than for us to meet a few crazy characters (although would have made for some good blog fodder).

But no worries. To make up for these amazing stories that would have been, we will be going down a different avenue this week to meet men. Coffee shops. There is one in particular CFH knows of that attracts hot men in the film industry. The other one we go to will be somewhere in Brooklyn. And yes, we are doing this together. Stories soon to follow…

>You can find me in the club….er, couch

29 Aug

>

Ok, so it is Saturday night and here are the events that have transpired in the past few hours (in order):

1. Hung out with Tennis Pro after a stoop sale with a friend. Totes hot but I think he’s asexual. It’s a no-go.

2. Ate some leftover dark chocolate bread pudding (which weighs approximately 1 lb in butter alone).

3. Ate some OreIda fries with a generous scoop of mayo.

4. Ate a quesadilla.

5. Watched Bride Wars (yes, I sent out for this on Netflix)

6. Turned down an invitation to go out to some bars with friends.

7. Had the nightly pillow talk with KT.

8. Commented on recent SD posts.

9. Spent an hour on okcu (trying desperately to find date numba 4) and have not found anyone even worthy of a fucking wink.

The worst part (besides the fact that a third of my list involves eating)? I am enjoying my night so far and prefer this over a Saturday night Sixteen Dating in the city. And yes, Sixteen Dates can def be used as a verb.

>Hairless legs and sexy underwear

26 Aug

>
About to go on date numba 5 with Cammy. Here’s the rub.

First, I bought new pants and a new pair of shoes today and I am wearing both tonight. I don’t have a job.

Secondly, I am already sick of shaving my legs more often than once a month.

Third, I am running out of sexy underwear. I mean, I only have like 5 pairs before it turns to nasty old cotton underwear from target (you know, the kind sold in packs of 5). He’s in for a rude awakening if we make it to date 6.

>Cock but no tails

25 Aug

>
Dating is a big. hot. mess. For those readers (all 4 of you) who may be thinking single ladyhood is all shits and giggles, I would say it’s more shits than giggles. Case in point.

Last night during pillow talk with KT (which occurs most nights of the week), we got the idea that I should text Hot to Trot Midwest Man the following message around 11:40 am today:

4pm cocktails? My place.

The goal is pretty clear, right? KT advised me to wear a skirt because the minute Hot to Trot walked through that door I would proceed to straddle him on the couch with cocktail in hand.

Nothing is hotter than day sex. Or is nothing sadder than flagrant desperation?

More importantly, am I really considering this? If my number on a piece of paper reeked of prostitution, then I can’t even imagine what this reeks of…probs more shit than giggles.

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